remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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