you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
