i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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