Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
