Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
It's shark week go big or go home
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
soo... how was my night?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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