Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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