I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
