i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
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Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Threesome in a minivan. New low
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
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Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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