We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
