I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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