i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
