im drinking this country out of the recession.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
