I never want to see another naked old woman again.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize