Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
