Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
