sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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