Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
