You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
