Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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