My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
My penis needs a shock collar
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
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