Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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