Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
