i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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