So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
