the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
