I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
