I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
