I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
