There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
