yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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