I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
