It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
you had me at cake vodka
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Randomize
