the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
You can't special order awesome
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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