At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Randomize
