Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
