Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
