On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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