he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
