were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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