Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
