She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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