one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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