My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
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I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
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Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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