Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
