My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Randomize
