I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
