god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
