Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
The best revenge is premature balding
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
