I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
