Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
is wine microwaveable?
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
