Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
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