i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
