in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
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