I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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